Dinosaur Sounds Are Fun

2009-05-21T12:45:00.000-06:00

check out my adventuring blog
http://wanderingwithmyheadintheclouds.blogspot.com/

Faltown: Woah.

2009-05-13T12:30:00.000-06:00

The kids at home never fail to disappoint: they're always that fresh breath of air. It's strange how something like a small high-school will bring together the most random people and glue them together good and tight.

I love being home.

It's always nice having the familiar voice on the end of the line, in the back seat, on the way over.

Reunioned with the good crowd: Kerri, Johnny, Evan, Bridget, Dan and the way you can joke so easy and never have to put on any airs put a smile on my face again. There is something so refreshing about being here; I wish I could put my finger on it. Maybe it's as simple as shared history. Maybe it's something more.

Been pulling out all the stops the last few days. Last night Ben A came over (for the first time in a long time) and gave me crap for breaking the bracelet he bought me sophmore year. Have to say I did pretty well not losing it. Got some new string to rethread it on. Cai came over and helped me clean my room. Adoptive little sisters rock and it's been crazy watching her grow up.

Then found the digits I lost and called Ben P and it was good to have a quick chat to catch up. I'm excited to see him again and can't wait to fill him in on all the ups and downs and ins and outs of this city life gone wrong experiment of mine. I'm a country girl at heart.

Random happy thought of the day may have been calling my bank in Haines and having Marsha know exactly who I was. Small towns rule. I miss the 907.

Tomorrow playing basketball at 7 (lord help me).
Anyways time to read.

Looking back this should have been posted in DSAF but I'm too lazy to fix that right now.

[ problem fixed ]

House of Cards

2009-05-12T21:10:00.002-06:00

The rain falls and everything remains unclean. Sometimes wash, rinse, repeat just doesn't do the trick. I'm learning so much but most of what I'm learning isn't stuff that makes your soul soar. Sometimes you don't have grand realizations, just small things that just chip away at some bigger picture.

I need to get out.

People reveal themselves in the strangest ways. True colors often surprise you and leave you speechless. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse.

Honor. Glory. Pride.

Bastardized concepts in our ipod era of go! go! go!

I think there is a reason I love dogs so much.

2009-05-08T20:06:00.002-06:00

April came and went the way it always does. Some good times, some sunshine, a little sparkle, a little sun...

These past couple of days have had me wishing so many different things.

The zone

2009-03-29T12:15:00.004-06:00

Lately I've been feeling like the rest of my life is so far away. That who I am and what I'm doing are really disconnected.

Regrets? maybe.
Future: uncertain.

The magic 8 ball always falls on "try again later."

I've met some good folk.
I've done some cool stuff.
I'd like to think I'm happy too.

But I'm always facing the wrong way. Looking at the future through the past. Wondering why this. why here. why now.

The options are limitless. [chaos]

Turtle

2009-03-25T23:26:00.004-06:00

Wow.

I just need to learn
not to let
the oxygen
get in the way
of all this living.

Some friend.

Reelin

2009-03-23T20:11:00.002-06:00

This weekend saw caffeine passing itself off as blood as I darted from place to place. But holy hell was it worth it. Who would have thought that a small college in Maine could host one of the sickest shows I've been to in awhile? Sure, it helped that a whole crew of us from Boston drove up...but man.

Barefoot truth.
Pete Francis.
Braddigan.

Three and a half hours of music with no intermission, no set change, no nothing. People just coming and going from stage as they felt...

Favorite parts must have been All Good Reasons being played with everyone - seven people on stage or Two Coins when Brad and Garret had a harmonica dual. Talked with Pete and Katie again -- nicest people in the world as well as the boys from barefoot hitting up some more of their shows on this tour of theirs.

rumors floatin round about many a thing.

Plus, Chris and I did some snowboarding both days. Pretty good conditions -- I've got no complaints.

what an amazing weekend.

I also got pulled over after the show for anti-speeding. Going 20 in a 25. what gives.
cops are weird.
i'm tired.

peace.

happy happy happy

2009-03-11T23:49:00.000-05:00

laptop returned!
who would have thought!

GLORIOUS

Fml

2009-03-10T07:56:00.001-05:00

My laptop got stolen from my backpack when I walked to the printer, ten feet away. Then I had to bike home in the snow and my shoelace got caught in the bike chain and I crashed.

Plus i'm jet lagged.

Fuck you northeastern
I'm done.

2009-02-17T21:02:00.002-05:00

The last few days have been bizarre at best. I find myself pulling away form all sorts of familiar faces and, strangely, I'm not deeply saddened by it.

lately it seems all everyone wants is a smiling face that will be there when they want it and will do what they want to do. Where's this condescension come from lately? Time spent on your tip-toes dodging angry thoughts isn't really what I'm about and the fact that so many people have just been on my case about what I'm doing doesn't sit well.

That's so uncool.
I'd never confess to that.
Board games are for losers.

I don't really care what people think. I'm am who I am, doing what I do. I miss climbing. I haven't been in ages and am desperately looking forward to my excursions at Smith. It hasn't really been a priority for me lately; not because I don't love it but because every waking moment has been spent doing one of three things studying, visiting my grandmother, or, late at night, writing.

The rock can wait it's cold, hard, and immovable; my family is made of flesh and blood and breakable parts. Sometimes you have to set aside your wants for the needs of those around you.

I do and don't miss people.

I'd rather be by myself doing what I know makes me happy then surrounded by people who look down on me.

Blahhhhhh.

I need some new people.

2009-02-15T12:45:00.000-05:00

man, I love having a dog.

It has no walls.

2009-02-14T00:33:00.006-05:00

I feel like rain fall. Somber, silent, and composed of a million different pieces falling in sync. The gray day. The big puddles that need rain boots to undo their perfection. Some day you live under a moon so full. Other days you lie on your back watching the stars pass you by...

Did you know, I wanted to tell you everything?
Would you believe me if I said I wanted to start from the top of the tallest skyscraper and shout out the truth until it was just you and me in the city and I could tell you my life story.

The real one.

But that was so long ago and, that moment, lost once, will never come again.

I may be smart and brave and hell, I may, at times, even be beautiful -- but I'm the first in line when it comes to running from the past. I'm the first to put my tee-shirt on so you can't see my scars.

I wish I could scream how goddam angry I am about everything that happened in the last two weeks and tell everyone why it hurts so bad. For some reason, I was expecting this to be my renaissance. My great rebirth.

But the skeletons stayed in the closet even after all this moving and now their saggy corpses quietly decompose stinking up the rest of the house.

It's strange.
I'm not an angry person.
But the thoughts that are trying to tip-toe out of this type are making me want to pick my laptop up and throw it at the floor and watch it explode like the time bomb ticking inside me.

[so that's how this feels.]

The truth doesn't set you free; it just lets everyone else see the chains you are wearing.

2009-02-13T23:54:00.004-05:00

sigh.

Untitled.

2009-02-12T15:37:00.005-05:00

The pavement always shines
Walking home after a rainstorm
Shards of broken glass glittering
In the glow of the newly risen sun.

From the shore you can see
the waves are slow rolling on the ocean top again
As if time itself has been sedated.

The slow, frantic pace of living
the endless cycle of
Birth and death and rebirth.

Each second so long that
whole histories live and die within it:
You live to watch the world unravel
You dream to stitch it whole again.

2009-02-11T22:42:00.002-05:00

Today was too fair-feather for February. Biked around the city with Tony and Marissa and remembered what it was like to just have fun. It's amazing how a simple thing like a bike ride can change the day around.

I'm trying to plan ahead for once. It has my spinning. I am so bad at making plans and sticking to them.

Right now it looks like this:
2/14-2/28 - Boston, MA
2/28-3/8 - Bend, OR
3/9 - 4/24 Boston, MA
4/25-5/23 ????
5/24-6/20 Thailand
6/21 - 8/9 ???? [Cape Cod? Boston? Alaska? Samoa?]
8/10-12/10 San Jose, Costa Rica

gah!
I love adventuring!

Xander and Mirah

2009-02-02T21:41:00.001-05:00

16,662 / 100,000
(16.7%)

I'm over 15% of the way to my target goal of 100,000 words for my novel. I actually think it will end up longer than 100,000 words but it's a nice number to shoot for.

2009-01-28T23:16:00.004-05:00

I left the gym yesterday and
Absently walked back
home along
a busy suburban high-way

I wove my way into Best Buy
and stared at movie titles
for three quarters of an hour

Still, I left empty handed.

***

Today I sloshed through the
Snowy sleet mixture and
found myself sitting
On the train.
Alone.
Again.

Watching the automatic doors
open and close
as the announcer told us
where we were.

***

I didn't know staying here
would be so hard when
I'd known I wanted to go.

It's the waves always at the shore
it's the bird never sitting still
it's the people leaving and the
regret, sticking around
for another cup of tea.

2009-01-22T00:24:00.007-05:00

This shamble scramble life of mine is fraying at the edges. Worn-thin like a well-loved pair of jeans.

Do you remember the Tuesdays where we used to sit at the bar content in our own company? Now, look at us. Rummaging. Rambling. Trying to make sense of this tattered mockery of who-knows-what.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to get at or what I'm trying to say. These days I'm on watercolor thoughts. Everything is bright, bold, and flows so well together.

I want to throw my hands up and just chill out.

***
It's cold and wet out.
The snow hasn't melted
And a light breeze is slapping
my bare skin.

The door to my apartment building won't go.
I shove my key in again and jerk the knob,
but nothing happens.

I don't want to wake the neighbors
but I know I'm loud with all my fidgeting
Or maybe I'm just drunk and paranoid.

By now, I'm shivering.
New England winters are cold
even on the best
of evenings

(Much colder on the worst.)

Our evening had gone so
remarkably ambivalently.
I had wanted something,
anything to hold on to.

But you just drove away,
Leaving me alone
on my front stoop,
waiting for someone else
to let me in.

2009-01-21T11:39:00.001-05:00

[break-in]

The leaves are all gone. Buried in the snow. Fall down. Thaw out. Decompose.

I'm sitting on the train again. Passing back and forth between different parts of my life. The school part. The home part. The in between part.

Feeling gray eyed in the morning and green eyed in the afternoon.

Woah, I never meant to break down, freak-out.fall down Fuck up.

[break-out]

2009-01-01T16:07:00.000-05:00

just deleted that stupid thing called facebook.
we'll see how long it lasts.

oh the weather outside

2009-01-01T11:23:00.003-05:00

is frightful.

It's a balmy - 6 without taking into account the 60 mile per hour wind speeds.
With wind its about thirty below.

Thirty below!

I stood outside for a couple minutes in shorts and a tee shirt.

Bone cold.

And all I could think was: I wish I was in Alaska.

250

2009-01-01T01:33:00.002-05:00

[this is my 250th post]

When the end comes does it crash like cymbols, loud and echoing? Or does is simply meander away when you aren't looking? Does it stalk off pissed off at the way things went or does it come on gradual, like the end of the day, slow -- the way you boil a frog.

Draw me a picture of the beginning. Time before time. Tomorrow. The next day. What colors should I use to scribble my dreams?

I feel as if I'm leading a hundred different lives.

Yesterday I held hands with the past. We walked the streets in ways we never had, talked of things we'd never talked about, and lived a way we'd never lived before. It was the strangest feeling. The weirdest was not feeling sad at goodbye because you are simply happy to have had an opportunity to say hello. Who knows when we'll see each other again? Remember when all that separated us was cloth walls and a couple feet?

I miss tent sleep overs and cooking ever meal over a fire. I miss writing by the ocean and having a huge whale blow of some steam only ten yards away. I miss the way the sun never set. The way the fireweed was always in full bloom. But mostly I miss how completely free I was from everything: rules, parents, society, television, movies.

Life unencumbered.

Tomorrow I'm back in the fray.

And somehow, things have changed. I woke up a different person today. Shed a layer of my self and revealed new colors.

I am invincible.

And here are the things I'm dreaming and scheming for the next 365 days.

Write 1,000 words a day for my book: this does not have to be actual book writing. It could be plot or character development.
Run three times a week for a half hour minimum.
Delete Facebook.
Get off of G chat.
Be positive and optimistic / Get rid of that pessimistic outlook.
Better tolerance.
twenty-five push-ups a day plus one per week.
fifty sit-ups a day plus one per week.
Play outside.
Be modest.
Be spontaneous.
Make a plan and then stick to it AKA don't back out last minute.
Be deciesive AKA make decisions AKA don't be indeciesive.
Do good.
Be less sensitive AKA learn to take a joke

Music.

2008-12-27T15:46:00.004-05:00

I consider "Walking By" (something corporate) to be my favorite song:

So why do you leave these stories unfinished,
my Cheshire cat doorstop with tears in your eyes.
And why do you look when youve already found it?
And what did you find that would leave you walking by?

I tend to like songs that I can relate to lyrically "She Changes Your Mind" (Copeland)

And I'll sing songs
To help me stay up all night long
Cause I don't want to go to sleep
And I'll sing a song
And I hope you're listening carefully
And know exactly what I mean

If someone were ever to describe me with a song, I'd want it to be something by Nickel Creek probably the first verse from "This Side" because I'd love for someone to say this about me:

One day you'll see her and you'll know what I mean.
Take her or leave her, she will still be the same.
She'll not try to buy you with her time.
Nothings the same as you will see when she's gone.

The song I listen most to when I'm sad is "Girlfriend as Pretty as You" by Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers. Followed closely by "Swallowed by the Sea" by Coldplay.

[Cause you belong with me, not swallowed in the sea]

Songs that always make me happy include "bad moon rising" by Creedence Clearwater Revival, "moondance" by Van Morrison, "Zebra" by John Butler Trio, and "Say Anything Else" by Cartel (weird, I know.)

The song I probably sing the most is "Hey Jude." Usually at least twice a week.

Remember to let her in to your heart,
Then you can start to make it
Better.

The song that still is chalk full of meaning even after so many years is "American Love" by Haste the Day because it was the start of so many different things.

Forgive me,
For running so quickly to the outside.

The song that feels like my life at the moment: "Ten Minutes to Take Off" by Tiger Lou

I feel it here at night
doubling in size
in years to come from now
I'll wonder if its gone

The song I play the most on the guitar: "F-stop blues" by Jack Johnson.

Lift him up to see what you can see, as he begins his focusing,
he’s aiming at you.

The song I wish someone I loved would sing to me: "So you are to me" by Peter Bradley Adams

...As the firelight in the night
So are you to me ...

The song still makes my heart jump: Nelkstar and Ida

Do you want to be alone tonight?

Five songs I think everyone should hear. Not the five best songs. Not really the five anything. Just five songs that you should listen to at some point in your life. They aren't even obscure songs.
1.) Beloved Wife by Natalie Merchant - because it is the best and saddest love song ever.
2.) Hoppípolla - Great Composition, great lyrics (it's about jumping in puddles), and Icelandic is a really cool language.
3.) Dive by Andrea Gibson --- because Andrea Gibson is an amazing slam poet and I love the message.
4.) Consolers of the Lonely by the Raconteurs -- because It's fun.
5.) Work Song by Speech Writers LLC -- because they are witty.

The song I listen to the most when I'm angry would be "Alaska" by Between the Buried and Me closely followed by "Selkies: The Endless Obsessioin."

I don't know why I did any of that.
It just seemed like a good idea at the time...

An Ode To A Beloved Companion

2008-12-25T22:32:00.003-05:00

It's been three years, and I still miss your quiet footsteps beside me as we walk down the beach. That stupid grin you'd throw back to me as you raced ahead to let me know, yeah I'm still here, but do you see how fast I can run?

Your tail wags conducted my heart beats. We were always so in sync.

I still expect to see you every journey that brings me home and am disappointed with every front door opening that fails to reveal your smiling face.

I know my grief is not rational, that I've moved into some sort of realm where this is absurd but I can't help it -- I just want to see you again.

I've been thinking that maybe Christmas is hard because it reminds you of the things you want the most but can never have. One more day -- not even that. Just one more walk down the beach.

I think of you so often.

Dear Samantha,
Can you feel my heart woven into yours? I remember holding you in those last moments reassuring you that it was ok for you to die now. Go, rest in peace. It's okay for you to leave me.
My most selfless hours. But how can your peace be restful when now, I'd utter just about anything to bring you back... Were you watching as I had to edit the present tense verbs out of this like crazy? To me, you still aren't gone. You are still here, breathing, running, watching, hidden from some secret post waiting for me to find you.

The beach grass has receded further and the tides swing larger, but they are still here. The sea glass comes and goes but still needs collecting. The cabinet in the bathroom still smells like dogfood every time I open it. But where have you gone?

I walk the beach expecting you to return to my side, but still you aren't there. My heart calls for you, but all I find is broken bits of glass scattered across the sand. The universe mocks my grief with shooting stars suggesting that I could wish you back. But all the birthday candles I've blown out are a poor reminder of the long years without your calming presence my side.

All those times you ran off on your own adventures and now you're on the biggest one of all. I hope you find what you are looking for.

2008-12-24T12:50:00.001-05:00

Where there's gold, there's a gold digger.

Tear Down That Wall

2008-12-21T17:13:00.001-05:00

All those times, I could never find the right words to say. Clumsily searching for some sort of antidote. Cure. And then I let time slip by without saying anything at all. Which was worse?

Eight Days A Week

2008-12-20T18:13:00.002-05:00

In the early morning everything unravels; The night comes but never at the right moment. Too long, too short. The stars fall off their woven masterpiece. Everything collapses outwards away from its itself til nothing's left but beads and yarn.

So stitch me a sunrise. Show me those perfect winter mornings where everything's illuminated. Trees sagging under inches of new snow - bending but beautiful. Show me the world painted over where everything familiar is suddenly different.

And it is.

I didn't want to say goodbye to you. It's not like I didn't know this was coming but it still all feels incomplete. Hello. Goodbye. Hello. Goodbye. Endless cycles. Revolutions. Me caring, you looking so indifferent. I hate this feeling, this constant inadequacy.

Who knows where I'm walking. I have a broken compass in one hand and a treasure map in another. Maybe I'll get there, someday.

***

2008-12-12T23:36:00.002-05:00

sorry I've been gone.
My free time has been devoted to a writing project I developed over thanksgiving break. I'm finally putting pen to paper. I've never been this excited to write a story down.

I will try to write more here, but my mind is pretty focused on getting this story written.

May Angels Lead You In

2008-11-30T01:54:00.007-05:00

Hear you me.

maybe, if I catch the clock right, everything will undo itself.
maybe, if I stare at pictures of you long enough, you'll come back to earth.

We weren't even good friends.
But your absence from this world has shaken me and I find
I am mourning for you as if you were kin.

Are kin.

It could have been any of us.
It could have been anyone.
Why you? Why now?

You didn't get to finish your story.

My heart is with you.
My love is with your family. my family. our family.

May angels lead you in.
Rest in peace.

10 Things I'd like to do before I die.

2008-11-20T01:20:00.000-05:00

Shoot rusty cans off a fence
Run a marathon
Skydive
Through-hike the Pacific Crest Trail
Travel by horse across Mongolia
See great white sharks fly
Milk a cow in a metal bucket
Bike across the main island of Japan
Finish the Iditarod and Yukon Quest
Write a best seller

2008-11-20T01:16:00.000-05:00

free[dumb]
freedom.

freed[won]
freed one.

disgusted.

2008-11-15T02:51:00.004-05:00

Lovers are parasites you need to pluck from your soul.
The line has been crossed ten-fold.
You are water under the bridge.
A splinter that has been removed.

So long, farewell, good riddens.

Again.

2008-11-13T23:11:00.004-05:00

In my bones lurks centuries of living.
(do you know what I know?)

I want to start my life already. Buy myself a house at the edge of this flat world, settle down, and watch the currents slip by, watch every thing fade off into that unknown place...
(do you hear what I hear?)

My favorite time of year are the two seconds when I think I know where tomorrow will bring me. When I think I've figured this life of mine out. But everything is always changing.

Today I am in Boston.
Tomorrow I am in New Hampshire.
In June I'm in Thailand.
In July I'm in Utah.

[Except nothing is etched in stone.]

I want some sort of stability yet I hate being boxed in.
I want to travel the world. I want to share this love of life with everyone on the planet....

2008-11-13T16:33:00.001-05:00

The people you love always end up dealing the sharpest blows.

Check yes Juliet

2008-11-10T23:54:00.003-05:00

To the warring factions of my heart:

Throw your mistempered weapons to the ground.
The battle is lost.
The war is over.
Stop. Stop. Stop.

To the humanity within me:

Be divine.
Find yourself a god you can pray to
change your heart.
Little one, you are so much stronger
Than the way you act.

***

Remember the time when monsters lurked under your bed?
They found their way inside you.
Now they lurk in your heart.
Run and hide.
Run and hide.

Turn.
Conquer.
Destory.

2008-11-10T00:57:00.005-05:00

In the quiet of night my thoughts come alive like a million little insects crawling over my skin. How can you sleep when you're being invaded, attacked.

Every action is a simple response to another.
Every action a way to erase the one prior to it.

Condemned.

I Can't Understand

2008-11-10T00:03:00.004-05:00

The heart is a maze with a thousand dead-ends. (I don't know where I'm walking.)
Sometimes I wish I'd just shut my mouth, shut my heart, break-down, melt-down, quit the game, walk away.

The end result is never worth the price of admission.
Lets be serious for just a moment: Love is just a game.

You just have to throw the cards away.
52 card pick up.

Chaos.
Anarchy.
Disaster.

In the end the whims of one person or another, aren't enough to shake me.
A single breath of wind cannot move a mountain.

Stand tall.

Trying

2008-11-06T01:07:00.006-05:00

I want to write my soul down
Feel the words of it pound out
In pictures and letters
Bound it up in poems and lectures
creative adventures that let you
See and understand my heart

From the start I want you to know exactly where I stand
Because someday the mystery of my life will unravel
In front of God and I want to make sure
he knows the journey I've traveled

So when I fight Him about having stolen
I can say "look I took it on accident" or
"That time I yelled at my mother
Another part of me was mourning inside
Wondering why the love inside me had died
And yes, I am reticent so here read this,"
Shoving the papers on His desk
"Now you'll know what I really meant."

But mostly I want to show myself I'm trying
Because I'd be lying if I said I had an excuse for every sin
I need to know what to fix and why
So when I say goodbye to this world
The story I've told will be one that says
I'm trying

I want to spill myself open
Return my soul to the ocean by revealing my guilt
Because there are days I know I've built up my perfection
But really, it's just because I fear rejection.

I need you to know I'm not an angel.
I don't wear a halo.
And if you want me to say why,
I'll say so.

I have stolen.
I have cheated.
I've denied and wrongly pleaded.
I have bribed and been the briber.
I have lied and been the liar.
I've been the bully and false-crier.

I do these things and do them still
And everytime I think I've conquered I lose my will
There are days when I wear eight million facades
And I look in the mirror and ask
"Girl do you know who you really are?"

I want to confide myself in thousands of pages
So I can rip off my masks and put one less on back later
So that one day, all that's left is the raw uncut unfinished me.

I'm not perfect, I know, but I'm trying
Because its the little battles in our heart
That let us know whether we are living or dying.

***
"What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?"
- Mark 8:26

I have no idea why I put this in here except that it was relevant to what I was writing.
***

Wow I haven't written a slam poem in forever though slam lines/ideas are constantly lurk in my brain. Needs some editing. Rough first draft. Pretty good for a free write at one thirty a.m.

That Hesitant Stop

2008-11-02T17:39:00.002-05:00

This is the slow-down before the speed-bump. The big decision. The all or nothing.
The path you want to work vs. the one you should take.

The added fact that clouded vision makes both a nightmare.

In Class

2008-10-28T13:10:00.001-05:00

[Crackberry on]

Supposed learning has me bored. Remember the questions that used to make you think? Where did they go?

They must have flown away with the ozone layer. Now, they are haunting martians...

We are left with statements littered with "like" and "you know?"

Teach me something worth knowing. Stop wasting my time.

[Crackberry off]

I Will Be Pulling On Your Line

2008-10-27T23:05:00.003-05:00

Every moment things are changing. Tonight, I wish I could teleport myself and stand there hugging whatever bits and pieces of you are broken. Tonight I wish I could put you back together myself, bit by bit to make you whole again.

Crash.

I wonder if you've woken up yet? If you can feel the broken bones? If you can feel my heart breaking with each second that goes by where I don't know the outcome of any of this.

You who formed so much of who I am.

Two spoons, two cups.

Remember those journeys we took to the end of the world?
Remember those hours we spent, transcending time until we were in a world of our own creation?

We were invincible back then, so if anything happens meet me there.

The ins and outs of best friends are complicated. We grew up and grew apart, but we are just different branches from the same seed. You can't leave the people you grew up with behind. (so don't)

Hold on.

I will be pulling on your line,
Keeping you grounded.

Dispersement

2008-10-24T20:59:00.000-05:00

And just like that the waters are calm.

I lose myself so easily.

Less stress.

breathe.

breathe.

None of this really matters in the big picture.

breathe.

love.

Mental Breakdown

2008-10-24T17:03:00.004-05:00

The shell is cracking.

The edges are wearing thin.

Put me on the phone and I'll explode.

Scorched forests. Ashen skies.

I can't breathe in my own body sometimes.

I just hold it all in.

Water behind the damn.

I'm not passive aggressive, I just don't know how to handle sadness.

Throw the smile back on sweetheart, it feels so much better.

It all breaks down.

Flood.

Catastrophe.

Tears.

Brand New Colony.

2008-10-23T10:37:00.003-05:00

"As the wind blows over the trees,
So are you to me."
- Eastmountainsouth

I see ghosts lurking behind your skeleton frame. Won't they come out and play? We can dance in the subtle glow of streetlight and snow.

Beneath The Lights

2008-10-21T01:06:00.002-05:00

Do you remember the Call of the Wild? We used to live our lives so that they revolved around the sun, the moon, the earth. Now, they revolve around so much more, so much less. Light switches and shopping malls. Facts that have no relevance. Yes I know genetics are important but isn't the feel of earth in your hands and seeing something you cared for grow up into something you eat important too?

We eat fruit whose seeds we've never seen. Who's roots touch earth that never dreamed of baring them.

Six billion people. That's six billion hearts filled with love, with hate, with some sort of passion of something that keeps them alive. Six billion - and growing and lots of them go by without knowing the impact each one of their footsteps takes.

Today, wilderness is a shattered illusion. Trails through trees. The United States has laid down so many roads it would cover an area bigger than the entire state of Georgia. "We paved paradise / to put up a parking lot."

I want my hands in dirt and my fingers in fur.
I want to know that I can grow and live and be at peace with the world; that each footstep I take may not bruise the earth, but will help set her free.

I want to be the voice of a new generation, one that says, "I will speak for those who cannot speak, I will do for those who cannot do, and I will live for those who cannot live -- but most importantly I will live with a love that envelopes all and judges none. I will love the Earth who is my home and I will love all creatures great and small for no matter how different we may be, we are united together in our struggle to survive. "

I want to teach people that money does not buy happiness, it only invites injustice.
Lets live.

[need sleep]

Polaris

2008-10-20T15:44:00.003-05:00

"I feel that when I'm old
I'll look at you and know
The world was beautiful"
- Jimmy Eat World

The way you feel walking through a corridor of trees on a fall morning is the same feeling expressed in this song. Except I know the world is beautiful. So incredibly beautiful.

If only we could turn our lights off to see just how much the world shines.

I want wilderness.

To my future dog, I love you already

2008-10-20T11:03:00.004-05:00

Dear Rucks,

Beyond the blur the neon signs have cast, there's a message waiting. I've scribbled constellations across the sky trying to send your ship sailing in the right direction. My direction. In the morning, you will wake to the smell of coffee and wood burning in the stove. My hands will bury themselves in your fur.

In the fall, we'll spend the day walking through leaves and you will run through the trees, unable to see their changing colors but able to feel winter calling out to you from your bones. I will smile the way you do when your heart feels complete. You will run up to me with such intensity you'll knock me down. We'll laugh then, playing in the fallen leaves.

In the evening, we will sit, you there, next to me or at my feet. When the snow comes, we will rejoice, for we will play in it, doing what we were made to do: run. At night, we will sleep outside. You in a bed of hay, me next to you, wrapped in a sleeping bag.

We will cross the North. We will dance beneath the northern sky and watch the greens and pinks of the lights capture our hearts. We will be our own wolf pack.

We will be wordless, but we will be speaking the same language. We will be lost and found and lost again. We will be wholly complete in our understanding of one another. And your existence will take shape and be certain because of my existence and my existence will take shape and be certain because of your existence.

Over time, we will gain friends and our pack will grow. Micah will join us. He'll be strong and you two will be brothers. Slowly, our team will grow. Until we are one of many. A family shaped by mutual interest and adoration.

You too, will grow old. Your muzzle will slowly turn white and you'll get arthritis in your back legs. But don't be afraid because when you can no longer walk, I'll carry you wherever you need to go. And when you are too old to pull, you can sit in the sled and stare up at me or up over across the landscape or your family.

One day, your heart will stop too because we cannot live forever. But I'll carry you wherever you go. I'll carry your heart in my heart. And on those cold January evenings when the wind blows just the right way, I'll swear you are still there, standing in the room beside me or sitting at my feet.

Dear Rucks, I love you already. Please, find your way home.

Insomnia

2008-10-20T02:21:00.003-05:00

The decisions most pertinent to your sanity are the ones that keep you awake all night. You can't build a life on someone else whether it be love, happiness, idealogy... it's all got to come straight from you, straight from the heart.

I want to travel across the country and see the rocks and stars that shape this earth. A cross country adventure. (Or a run away plan, who knows?)

There is so much to see, to much to do.
How can anyone stand to sit in front of the television letting those precious minutes slip by...

2008-10-19T02:04:00.003-05:00

you are the shining light
my true north
the magnetic pull of the compass

if i could walk on water
make you believe or
make you forget

drown me in love

the color of blue
never looked so deep
as when it was outlining your siloutte

you are not the one i wanted.
you are everything i needed.
unsaid words.

and all i want
is a verbal agreement.
we see the world the same...

and yet
forever indifferent...

Pretty the World

2008-10-13T21:15:00.003-05:00

The smell of autumn always sends my heart toward home, toward the future. In my mind I already have two dogs. I already have a dream rolling like a snowball down a hill, gaining speed and gaining mass. Oh, do I dream big dreams.

As the days get more and more colorful I find myself wanting less and less. The reds and yellows of a humble autumn are enough. Slowly, you fade away.

Someday you walk to the back of the room and just sit and watch. Other days the light of the moon reveals all the words no one wants to say. The elephant in the room.

2008-10-08T23:17:00.001-06:00

I miss the way the grass sounds when the wind runs his fingers through it. I miss the intimacy you share with strangers when you sit around a fire and talk about that moment exactly how it is. But mostly I miss the sound of your voice pulling me back home...

Home.

You who are my home my hopes my this and that and the other. The look on your face always driving me mad!

Love. Love you are so fickle so sickly faint hearted is that why you've stayed away?

Rewind.

2008-10-07T21:57:00.001-06:00

Notes from my actual Journal on my flight to Alaska:

The way you can rewind time to see yourself in the past. I’m watching a movie of my life trying to figure out how I got here. The sum of my life at any given moment is where I am. Yesterday, I was popping tic-tacs. Today, the adventure begins.

Strange, but I’m not scared or nervous. I know this is where I am supposed to be. I know I got this life of mine right so far. Sometimes you get so certain you are doing what you are meant to that you have no room in your heart to be afraid.

I know this is strange to say but the feeling that fills me up more than any other is “home.” I’m going home to the sea, home to the mountains, home to Alaska.

amongst the crowds

2008-10-07T16:23:00.001-06:00

In a sea of people I find myself swimming in ideas. The economic meltdown has me trying to untangle knots and webs that were in place long before I was born. I have so many ideas buzzing about solution some of them are just salt on the wound.wouldn't it be great if everything unraveled like waves upon the ocean

Blue and Orange

2008-10-06T21:13:00.002-06:00

The dark of night can only last so long. With eyes on the future the sun never seemed so bright. I miss the cold breezes by the ocean that pause just beneath your neck waiting to kiss you, making you feel so at home and so alive. I feel like the warm refrain of that jazz song that always gets caught in your head the one that makes you feel happy and sad and so incredibly alive all at once.

For some reason, the saddest songs always resonate the most in my fragile bones.

I miss the rain on the days where all I want to do is stare out the window and think about everything that's floating in my heart. Sometimes the moments around me feel like music, feel like words, feel like the vision of a heart on fire.

I
wish
you
could
see
inside
my
mind.

Here we go again. The clouds are the pillows in the sky that we rest the dreams we can't reach on. The ever repeating chords of the piano. The faint riff of a guitar line. In my head symphonies are birthed in every breath I take. The way I see things is in progression.

"I am in love with myself and no one else" The human said.

Poured Out

2008-10-02T10:53:00.001-06:00

Nights with friends are always the best.

under a sky so big

2008-10-01T02:58:00.002-06:00

From up close everything is so starry eyed and clear. Until you factor in the distance and everything that's still unspoken. At the end of my day with or without you there I feel full up. I can't complain about this life of mine when even the smallest things line up so perfectly.there is far too much to be grateful for and I can't help but revel in simple pleasures.

The way songs have been colliding with my soul leaves me feeling like that moment in spring right before everything's about to bloom.

And for all the bad things that still remain in this world I can't help but think that we shall overcome. The light of the sun still burns in my soul.

You know I may not have everything but I certainly have enough.

Tonight even the universe is singing it's applause on my tent roof in the form of a thousand little raindrops. Tonight is the end of something and the beginning of something else entirely new.

Everyday a promise.
Everyday the possibility to begin again.

Orion

2008-09-28T22:38:00.001-06:00

Tell me again how we were running
So fast that our footprints became stars
How our hands were latched
Together holding on the way
Wings do to their body.

Tell me again, how it was
And the way our voices intertwined
And filled up the night
like water does in a bucket
Till we were overflowing.

Then show me how it stopped,
the way time can sometimes
And everything changed forever.

Tell me you’d do it again.
Tell me you’d fix it if you could.
Tell me this isn’t worth dying for.

I will possess your heart...

2008-09-28T21:09:00.002-06:00

In the dark of night the lime light always looks so delicious. Plagued by those deep desires everything becomes that much more clearer. The lines blur over. Fact grows less confident, fiction grows more bold.

In the bright glow of the sun the path you must wander becomes so clear. Like the ridge line on a mountain top, only less easy, less fun and the views are far more hazy - but still every bit as exposed. Just keep one foot in front of the other.

Things like this are oh so trivial.

2008-09-28T00:32:00.002-06:00

Just the second hand smoke. The after effect. The awful alternative.
the fun part is knowing your there. the not-fun part is knowing that you don't care.
Shock-therapy: "cut the head off the dog" (Bolivian Economics style.)

2008-09-27T00:56:00.004-06:00

at trust at love and hope.
in the still of the night the quiet is always the last thing you want to hear.

you can fake it for the air waves.

I'm sorry.

I can't be everything i want to be and i never own up to everything i want to be. second chances are the first start to everything. Stop fucking with me.

I can't deal with plagiarism. I can't deal with anything that I can even misconstrue as being anything else than what it actually is.

In the midst of a storm, you always find yourself thinking just as you've reached the calm. The tide is rising. The damage is about to come.

Left.
Right.
Wrong.
Back.
Forwards.

Fuck directions

hopelessly hopeful.

you can never say what you need to. Speech is silver, but silence is gold.

Love love love
hate love love hate.

Upside down and inside out... from comparing myself / to everyone else around me...

"Please put the doctor on the phone cause i'm not making any sense"

my back has been breaking from this heavy heart.

Come back with the answers.
Stop running.
Just stop running.

Gray sweatshirts are the furthest place from home. Embrace the anger.
Love the hate. And just move to the beat. Just move on. Fairytales are way to overrated, you are way to smart for that shit.

you get so confused by simple things. stand tall, fly straight, QUACK.

stop falling short. you are so much better than what you are settling for. Set the bar high. Fuck the fact that everyone falls short. Fuck. It doesn't matter

***

life is short so love the one you got...

it is the little things

the smile during the day

that certain note from that special song

it gives you hope

it gives you life

enjoy it

swim in it

because it is your time, time to shine, time to smile, time to be you

nothing else matters but that moment in time, that pull in space

love it, hold it

live it...

***

easier said then done.

If you can't love the one you love , love the one your with. Except

Every fucking time it's always that one look that "if i could look" that "god I want to look" that FUCK THIS IT ISN'T FAIR LOOK. God. Someone should just be like FUCK YOU, you suck. I rock. fuck you fuck you fuck you... HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO FUCKING TELL HIM?! At least 9 tonight. He hasn't got a clue.

I know. I know who I should love. Who i want to love. But it isn't logical. So confused.

***

fate fell short this time / your smile fades in the summer.

so goddamn ironic.

2008-09-22T20:33:00.001-06:00

you think you can let an idea go until you remember how brightly the fire burns inside you.

Black Hole Sun

2008-09-20T04:53:00.002-06:00

The way life unravels forcing you to choose is so unfair: The ethical course of action versus that of your heart. How can you compete - when one goes against the very nature of your humanity where the other goes against the nature of your soul. Dishonesty.

Always choose human. Always choose the moral path.

Is honesty always right? Dishonesty, too, can be a virtue. It is not always proper to "spill ones guts." The writing on the wall is sometimes in hieroglyphics and maybe, it'd be wrong to decipher it.

I can't get you out of my head. My eyes close and I sleep to dream and dream to sleep and wake to find that all my actions revolve around that one glimmer of hope that doesn't exist. Painful.

Remember that time when you were eight years old and you went out in a fighter plane? You fought the migs not because you didn't care for the enemy pilots but simply because you didn't know what other choices where out there....

But somewhere in all the years you grew up and learned. It's not as simple as A or B. Left or Right. Every path has ten million forks and it's up to you to find the right one.

The ins and outs of being yourself are never more tricky than when it involves someone else...

If I could rewrite the past, I'd write it so that in the present you wouldn't be flesh and blood and bone. You would still just be a figment of my imagination.

You would still just be petty stone uncarved. An idea of an idea of an idea.

To love is a painful ordeal indeed.

Samantha, Still, Always.

2008-09-14T17:43:00.003-06:00

1.
Last night you
wandered in my dream
tail wagging

A little skip in your step
your brown eyes
big, wide and begging

A hello long overdo

2.
The ruffles in my sleeping bag
Cling where you should lie
and feel nothing like fur.

3.
Once wandering,
we found a dead deer
And you

In solemnity
Barked
once
And lay nose nudging
her feet

Saying, I'm sorry
I'm so sorry, We
Didn't make it in time
Like you were best friends

4.
The conversation
We had when you were dying

You waiting for me
Then looking fervently
Into my eyes, asking

And me saying, yes, yes,
It's fine, I'll be fine.

5.
Me, on the beach alone
Searching for somewhere
to put my head
To mourn.

Five minutes free write.

2008-09-04T12:12:00.004-06:00

From the inside out everything is all wrong. You look like a dorwning man standing in that puddle, she says.

She says.
He says.
They say.
He says.
She says.

Are you hearing this???

copy that...

cycle it over.
Relax.
Repeat.

The passage of time is a fickle thing. One moment your up to your head in fireweed the next thing you know it your up to you knees in books. In and out and in between pages, places, faces.

So many different races going on right now. I'm not sure which ones I'm racing. I'm not sure which one's I've lost or won or am just standing on the side-lines cheering.

"Boy, why are you crying?"

Lost your shadow again. Well I won't sow that sucker back on. Drift on guiltless. Get swept away among the stars. Scream your freedom. Sing your shame. Stutter all the in betweens and you-know-whats and all those secrets lying precariously inbetween your lips.

Sometimes your fingers hit the keys and spill secrets that aren't even yours. Sometimes you start typing and the rhy-rhy-rhythm catches you so off guard you start writing something and you have no idea what it means. The sound of your subconscious is a powerful thing.

Let that lion roar, baby.

And sometimes you get so lost at Staring at the stars you miss all the rockets sailing just past your head.
Don't wish on shooting stars. Wish on stars that have the courage to shine where they are.

Nature whispers secrets in the wind and if you're quiet you can hear them. The pitter-patter of fox feet on the lawn always reminds me of spring time, even in the fall.

Somedays you wake up with hairpins and bow ties. Sometimes you wake up with lives (lies) sprawling out at your fingertips and you don't know what to do so you WRITE. Right.

You write the wrongs or the wrongs write you and you right the wrongs and you fight the write but you can't fight the right because write always wins and you right yourself up just to see your head spin and you write the right that you want to be right but it always ends up coming out wrong and

there we go.

Another deja vu.

Did you know, I can see angels kissing the devil inside of you.

The truest miracle of All.

And you can't get the record out of your head that keeps spinning and saying ALL WARS START IN OUR HEARTS AND THAT'S WHERE THEY SHOULD BE FOUGHT and you can't stop dreaming of this and that and the other where you right the wrongs where there is PEACE ON EARTH and GOODWILL TOWARDS MEN and all that stuff everyone remembers at christmas but forgets the other eleven and a half months of the year.

Did you know in World War One on Christmas at a battle field two enemies who were shooting each other the day before played a game of soccer together? The next day, they blew each other to smitherines.

I don't understand.

The ins and outs of ins and outs of ins and outs of in and outs of in in in and out out out

Please. Please. Please.

you write what you think before your mihnd can digest it and end up throwing up everything that doesn't make sense at the moment.

Did you know, I can see the devil kissing angels inside of you

And look

look

look

on this day a savior is born

and on this day a kingdom is born
and on this day a star is born
and on this day a doctor
and a lawyer
and a mother
and a boy destined to murder

they're all born.

Everyone born.
Living
breathing

Oxygen
the ins and outs of breath in your lungs an automatic response from your brain --- the will to live --- oxygen becoming carbon dioxiode becoming food for plants becoming food for you again and again and again

Up.
Down.
Up.

Lungs upon lungs of movement. A breath of wind (God's whisper).

And all of a sudden you lean closer and say, look at this, look at this, a perfect snowflake.

And I once thought that if you had perfection in your hand it would stay there
But all it does is
melt
away

the moment you grab hold of it.

I once saw a perfect flower
but I passed it by
and left it

for someone else
to pick

and play
games.

2008-08-24T20:41:00.000-06:00

who knew you could float so well when you are such a dead weight.

2008-08-22T21:37:00.001-06:00

the good.
the bad.
the inbetween.

face off.

Just sit back...

2008-08-20T22:13:00.003-06:00

I remember that night when I first emailed you. Before you were signed. Before anything big had ever really happened. We talked on the phone for hours, that first time.

Then, remember those first few nights when you were shaking on stage and your voice cracked at all the wrong times? You had to dance real hard to make it look like you weren't having a seizure. I still don't know how you didn't manage to drop the mic. Everyone was screaming. I wasn't there but you shared stories.

And then you were an explosion. Your face was everywhere, still is. The first time I heard you on the radio you were on the other end of the line. I was listening to you in double.

"Are you playing our stuff?"
"No, it's on the radio"
And our giggled excitement.

You sent a lot of dead end emails then. I emailed back exits for you.

Little escapes to nowhere.

But you started dating that girl and the emails are less frequent, if at all.

Now, the best conversations we have are you on the radio and me listening casually along with my friends who don't know any better, don't know anything. The stuff at your core is always the last layer revealed.

"This song is my favorite." They say. "I love it." But they don't know the eight different drafts you jammed through the line that one night at two in the morning, waking me from needed sleep.

Your word choice is wrong.
Your rhythm is off.

And you saying, you can't play a lick of guitar. you can't keep rhythm in your own stories. you can't can't can't.

But I could write a good line and you could keep a good beat and we really did make some beautiful music those nights on the telephone. You with your guitar playing a lick resembling the melody, me saying whatever came to mind.

Still, your favorite moment was always the pause in the track. The little space of infinity between one song and the next, where, for just a second, everything is perfect.

2008-08-18T20:48:00.002-06:00

I want my first book to be killer and something I'm proud of.
This book about my trip seems dumb to me, but I keep writing.

I have adventures unravel like roots in my brain until things are growing so chaotically I can't make sense of it all.

Yesterday I spent two hours reading 120 pages I wrote in the ninth grade and was amazed and what I'd written and what I could do with it.

The question is, will I?

Novels about people fall into two categories: ones that are escapist. Generally adventure story. Plot oriented. The other are undoubtled about the human condition. The second type is rare as it's harder to write. The fine details that define our lives take great observance to capture...

2008-08-18T19:51:00.003-06:00

I started another blog to catalogue my favorite quotes because I have too many notebooks lying around the house with scattered leafings of some such line from some such book. This way, I can have them all in one place and labeled too. Nifty. Eventually, I think I'll share my collection but for now it's under strict LOCK DOWN.

2008-08-18T19:32:00.002-06:00

The way the world works you either find yourself at the top of the pyramid or somewhere in the middle making sure the whole thing doesn't topple over.

Somehow, I think I'm standing outside the system watching it work, watching it fail.

Morse Code

2008-08-12T22:16:00.002-06:00

Are you meant to live to make yourself happy by pursuing your own dreams or are you meant to live to help others and in helping make yourself happy?And if both paths lead to the same destination, wouldn't it be more prudent to take the path that's more inclusive?

But how do you know that both path's will lead you to the same place? If all it is, is FAITH, than isn't that a question of "Is there a God?" Because isn't the point of religion GIVING UP YOURSELF and how else can you give up yourself but by giving up that which you want most whether it be becoming a ROCK STAR or MUSHER or a LIBRARIAN

To me, dog sledding seems like a selfish sport. More concerned with mutt than man. But I live it, I love it.

So the question is, do you pursue what's in your HEART or do you pursue what will help the hearts of those who need it most?

AND WHY ARE THERE NEVER ANSWERS TO THE HARDEST QUESTIONS

and maybe the whole reason we ask them is because we already know. Maybe the reason this question still floats into my head and causes chaos the way a machine gun blast causes chaos in a resturuant because I keep CHOOSING the WRONG answer.

Friends.

2008-08-09T20:08:00.002-06:00

The chaos of being home is amazing. Rope swing jumps at two a.m. Summer has never felt so alive as in the midst of lightening bolts and fireflies. The world will fall apart and put itself back together in a matter of minutes.

Ghosts are the conversations you have in the woods when no one else is walking. Ruminations on so many people, places, things. Don't fear the dark. There's nothing there we can't handle. The way people change is fascinating. The way you measure your change by other people and how they have or have not changed. The way you measure you by what used to scare you and what doesn't.

There are sharks in the water, but you still gotta breathe deep and dive...

The last few days have blurred together with surprising easy. Cape Cod summers are fast. Night and day shift so quickly - always something new to call your attention.

On Wednesday old friends were surprised. I was surprised - their reactions, my own reactions to certain people. The way things changes and things don't change... That ever repeating cycle. Yes. no. Yes no. Yes. no... (rain, shine.)

The way the water is a million degrees is frightening. I could live with the salt on my lips, the wind on my face, and that vast endless blue stretching before me for a billion sunrises and sunsets.

The way I know what I know before you know it, terrifies us.

The only thing missing on days down at the water is the smell of wet fur and hosing down that shining face so grateful for all those thrown sticks or balls or whatever it is you have, you think this is all you need.

Ocean. Sky. Boat. Friends. Dog.

***
I want to wake you like a sunrise
Blow stars into your eyes
So you can see galaxies every time you awaken
(I hope you are shaking with love of life)
***

Running

2008-08-06T16:48:00.002-06:00

Anticipation is the best drug. I can't stop smiling. I can't get a grip of myself enough to write coherently. I don't even know why I'm so excited. I feel like the universe is being born inside me and that every minutes something grand is going to happen.

I'm having to beg the clock to move. The second hand has virtually stopped and time likes teasing those eagerly awaiting. This is the moment before the gun is fired, before the ribbon's ripped, the bottle broken on the ship.

Just take a deep breath.
The world only moves slow for so long girl, cherish it while it lasts...

Sweetest Goodbye

2008-08-03T20:16:00.004-06:00

The way you say goodbye is in long exaggerated gestures. Always overly dramatic, but always from the heart. It's hard to leave a love behind. Especially when your lover is something intangible: the perfect summer, the contour of the land, the way everything always comes out perfect here in Haines.

Saying goodbye was more like saying see you later, see you soon, see you around, my friend. It was a sad affair. (How could it not be). The way certain places just click with all of who you are and if you waited long enough you know your life would unravel perfectly there. You know you could live a life worth living and sharing.

From the roof of the building, we sat in darkness listening. The few cars that haunt the streets at night. The screech of the motor cyclers who come in and out of town the way a dog does a house. And then that final exasperated breath. Whales. We couldn't see them from where we were, but we could hear them and their long drawn out sign was nature's way of saying "me too."

I remember the way everyone acted. Like we were unfolding on a stage or in a movie. It all seemed so scripted, but none of it was. Awkward hugs. Strange goodbyes that really just were see you laters. It's strange how you can live with someone for so long, share so many words, and then the only really way you know how to say goodbye is to touch.

But the days ahead are golden and are filled with more dreams than my head can hold. Before you know it the old crew will assemble in tattered pieces and like some mangled star fish missing a limb, we'll re-grow the missing pieces.

Everything always gets patched.

Everything always fixes itself.

The things that will stick are the times I was really nervous. Standing at the intersection at witching hour trying to figure out where the hell I was and so embarrassed about the fact that there are only so many intersections in Haines and well, how many times had I been here? It was strange because I knew he was coming before he did. Like some weird telepathic moment, just showed up and it all seemed so scripted.

Earlier, at the party I had no idea how I was getting home but I boarded the skiff and told myself, yes, I'd walk if I had to, so I did. Two and a half miles at three in the morning only to get confused when I was ten minutes from home. Ridiculous. My favorite was the way we kept creeping the fire upward away from the shore that was so desperately crawling up closer towards the music.

I have never been to a party on an island with a band where everything and everyone had to be brought in. One hell of a night.

Last night, when I was trying to say goodbye, I didn't know what to say to anyone. That age old question of "where are you going and why" had no real answer except "anywhere" and "because I can." The wind shifted. Currents changed.

And I know the stars are aligning in such a way that I'll be back here before I know it, but still.

Something's changed.

Hello, Again

2008-08-02T19:38:00.000-06:00

The way the phone-line goes dead and all your left with is static. Redial, call back. Except imagine if you didn't. Imagine if you let the static take over for two full years and then randomly, as if on queue you and the telephoner redial within moments of each other.

The way you can pick up a conversation as if there never was a pause is magical. The last time we said goodbye was one of the few times I've bawled my eyes out. Sometimes I think the reason I don't say hello is because the goodbye is so back-breakingly awful.

That message was like opening a time capsule or fast-forwarding to the future and winding up in your past. There are some people you lose touch with, that are always in your heart. You leave, they leave...but time strikes a chord and eventually you find yourself harmonizing again.

What a sweet song friendship is...

2008-08-01T22:45:00.001-06:00

Temporary clarity. Momentary blindness. I plead insanity...

Coming Undone

2008-07-30T15:46:00.002-06:00

BREATH IN

Everyday I feel more and more confused about my next move. Certain and Uncertain. Clear vision. Blindness. The worst is misplacing the only outline you have out of this place. I have no idea where my phone went. I've been in three places. One. Two. Three. Where could it go? It's in NONE of those.

My mind is falling apart.

I flash back to the last time I lost this lover that I cradle oh so close to my ear and remember finding it in that part of Boston I'd never even been to. What?

The improbability drive has stolen my phone. Again. Hopefully some depressed robot isn't using it as a spare part resource box. Hopefully it is so improbable that I'll ever find it again that the improbability drive will spring once more into action. Can't use what you don't have.

Life life life.

And then some days you run into the people you want to see and don't want to see all at once. Temptation is such a dangerous word. Balloons falling through the sky. Impossibly possible. Wanting and not wanting. Living and not-living.

Sick is a temporary hiatus in all of your normal proceedings. Sick is that momentary lapse from life. Sick is not fun. Sick is not social. Sick sick sick of it and sick and being sick and feeling sick and looking sick and coughing and sneezing sick ill awful gross. DISGUSTING. Breath in. Hack up a lung. Breath out. Tired tired tired and sick and sick sometimes the sky looks the way you feel all gray and numb and tired.

Sometimes everything you're feeling manifests itself as the weather and the world just says "me too" sometimes you can't stop bitching and moaning about not feeling well because, well, you don't and everyone else never gets sick and here you are. SICK. The ins and outs of my white blood cell count, the amount of sodium or potassium in my blood, the number of platelets and the amount of calcium.

The ins and outs of not knowing when to give or when to take or even just when to let up, give up, and let things roll the way they will. When to help, when not to help. The constant nagging thought of wondering how much of this life really belongs to me. How much of it belongs to you, and him, and her, and that guy over there...

how do I know whether to keep it or to just...give it away.
And would it really be that?

To help, to live forsaking myself.
To live, forsaking others.

Is there a balance, or is it black and white?

FREAK OUT.

In this life...

2008-07-27T23:04:00.005-06:00

- Fade in -

In the moonlight, I would swear you were an angel with a halo made of stars. Still, you don't even know who you are. [ And that's what makes you beautiful.] Sweet sweet sweet love of mine. You've got that magic spark. Oh sweet love of mine, so divine.

***

Words are falling from my lips the way the rain has been falling from the sky. Steady hazardous downpour. Don't catch pneumonia. Don't turn that pasty white color we're all too weary of.

There are a million names I"ve been calling myself these days and all of them start with beautiful. Last night I felt like a stegasourous in the ice age. So out of place you could see me growing extinct. You could see what's left of me sixty-five million years into the future. I froze so competely. Just bones. Bones and bones and bones. I wonder what the archeologists will say when they excavate me carefully dusting around my bones. Trying to presevere my remains. Even that's an awkward process...

***

I feel like a sunset exploding. Yes, I know that doesn't make sense but still that's how I feel. Calm beauty exploding into gorgeousness. I dance the dance I need to dance but add my own moves. [the waltz has never looked so jazzy, so new-age, so sauve.]

They say you can't go home. But I'm not so sure what the hell that even means anymore. You can have a million homes. Home is where you're heart is, and mine has never been so decidedly pinned down. Every day is a new game of pin your wings down. Every night is another chance to take off and fly. Someday I'll wake up and realize I have best friends everywhere. All the world is a friend you just haven't met yet.

When you stray out far from your roots like that windy vines wrapping itself upward and away from its origin, you learn that all the people at home, even the ones you didn't know are family, and you learn that all the people here, the ones that you just met and take you in are family too.

lovely lovely lovely
little life of mine.

- Fade out -

Alright, Alright Slow Down...

2008-07-25T12:43:00.002-06:00

Cold streak.

The crazy lights of merry go rounds and ferris wheels. Unrivetingly not chaotic. No carnies, no fried dough or cotton candy, just people, music and good times. The music floats through your brain the way the clouds merrily toss themselves just above the ocean water, skimming the surface.

Rain rain.

Been trying to think less. Ease the pressure on my brain and all those other needy organs. Just don't worry. Hakuna Mattata. Ins and outs of whatever comes your way.

Tonight we dance in the rain. Tomorrow, stars and boulevards.

It feels like the leaves should be falling back into the earth to start that whole decomposition process. Lovely Lovely Lovely...

Climb mountains. Cross Oceans.
Move.

2008-07-13T22:55:00.002-06:00

Stop the tape. Don't record here. Sometimes you have memories playing in your head and all you want to do is hit rerecord. Fast forward. Stop.

In and out and in between.

Hear the music. Hear something...

Behind the Sea, With The Sun

2008-07-11T14:04:00.006-06:00

The sun's chased the moon away. Today I'm swimming in my own skin and I've never felt this close to drowning and blowing it all up big. It's strange how the things you miss are so simple. The welcome home. The goodbye, have a nice day. The call to see where you are.

You're supposed to leave the nest but who knew it would be so hard? I guess it takes a lot of falling before you fly. Last night I sat on a picnic bench to stare at the gray gray sky.

Somedays your the man holding the knife, other days your the man with his hands up. I walk around rhyming in my head. No steel attached to my belt, no lead. Just hands in the air crying "peace! peace! peace!" I want people to stop hurting and feel the love that blankets them like sunbeams after a rainy day out in the wind.

I walked with the sun last night and saw her til she came around and showed her lovely morning reds. Behind the sea she lurks when no ones watching. She saw the scared look that came across my face and the way I shook in the night off the ocean's afternoon reflection.

Walk up the hill. Cool Off. Walk down the hill. Cool Down. When you get all shaken up it takes a good friend and a good dog to get you back in your senses. It's strange to think there are people in this world with only vilence on their mind. Conflict resolution should be ranked higher on the "to teach" list apparently.

Words are swords in their own right and you can swing them as fast as your tongue can spit. Hiss. Hurl. Words hurt, but steel hurts too.

This morning as dawn gently crawled through the window trying not to wake me, I realized how much I care about what people think and how it shouldn't matter. Lately, I've been wondering where the urge to want people to like you comes from. I'm not a weak person, yet I'm terribly sensitive.

Toughen up.

Colors float across the sky like a spilled water color. The other night I found myself awake in one of Walker's paintings trying to escape. Strangley headed creatures would not let me escape their grasp.

Last night lessons were learned and lines were drawn. It was clear who the real family was and who it wasn't. In the end we boiled the ocean and burnt the field and ate everything we could get our hands on: halibut, dungeoness, asparagus, corn, baked beans, baked potatoes, onions, grilled bananas, sheeshaw. Our moods were red helium balloons let go on a bright summer day in the city. Our stomachs were anchors nailed to the ocean floor. We swayed.

Slept inbetween worlds last night. Not at home, but not-not at home. The hotel is a strange place to find yourself wandering at night. Be wary of spooks.

XO

This life is a beautiful one...

2008-07-08T09:34:00.003-06:00

It's a strange phenomenon that happens. Why do we have to justify sadness. Totally lost it last night and just wanted to be home, in my bed, under my sheets with my hand running across the top of that wooden windowsill.

But I wasn't at home.

Four cloth walls only protect you from the elements. They don't keep secrets safe. Walls of wood and stone are so much more suitable for those nights you feel alone and just want to cry yourself to sleep. Plus, cloth doesn't slam. There's no loud comforting noise to show your pissed off.

The way you just want to scream and do and don't because you want to be loud and don't want to be loud all at once. For some reason, sadness is shameful. Tears are stains not stars so you don't want anyone seeing them fall down your face. No one makes wishes on those...

I just want to live and love and breathe.

Painful realizations are always the ones that come when you're already feeling down. The fact my family can afford to come but won't. The fact that no one fom home ever calls except my mom and sister. The way you call people and leave messages but no one ever calls you back. And the fact that everyone else has a million people calling from home. What's up with that?

And slowly I'm learning the worst torture is to get a message and not call back, leaving someone waiting for the other end of a conversation to start.

Radio in.
Static.
Static.
Static.

Cut the line.

Strangely, I'm learning that even if you think of someone as family, they may not feel the same. I've got you're back broski, but do you really have mine? And I'd give you this skin off my back if you needed it - you probably woulnd't do a damned thing.

Fire burned.

It's strange to watch the progression of days measured in wildfowers. From small little stalks with roots and shoots to budding purples and pinks across the field. Everything is a glow with color. Flowers are fireworks in the grass. They linger and then slowly explode, decompose. Their sparks not burning, but still oh so bright.

Camera eyes always capture the worst moments. Looking back you always remember the oh no's and oh why's. Smiles fade. You remember that time you cried. The time you lied. The time you did everything you didn't want to.

Sometimes I think I try to rationalize my sadness. Try and make it logical. When I can't, I make up a new past where everything seems reasonable and I'm not responsible for why I'm down. It's someone else's life and I'm just empathizing. Patting them on the back and saying I wish I could take this on for you.

I enjoy a good cry when I'm down.
I just hate to admit that I like crying for the sake of crying.
No reason needed, just that I feel down...

Stroked

2008-07-02T17:16:00.002-06:00

Words are explosions you can control. I do not speak projectiles. I do not vomit rockets as if I were trying to hail you. I speak butterflies on warm summer days gently floating across the air. I speak mountains into existence. I speak the dreams in my head they come out like a needle and thread and weave their way into reality. I speak visions. I speak so you can see the unseeable, the unknowable, the unthinkable.

Music is nothing but movement. Wind. The skies are blue. The hills are green. In love and so far out of it. The same old shennanigans never work the same way twice. Shake it up a bit. This morning I could breath into my reflection and make the girl starring back at me shimmer and shine.

Ripples are the only way anything ever starts. One. Four. Twelve. You always start alone (or do you?). It always ends in multitudes.

The way I have been thinking is anything but train-like. I have tree root thoughts these days. Everything is growing up and outwards. I'm growing jungles with all the things I think. Pirhannas are living in my waters. Best not fall in.

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Haines Base, Haines Base,
Returning in 3. 2. 1.
Over and out.

Orion

2008-06-25T00:09:00.002-06:00

It's amazing the things you can do while the sun's still shining. Isn't it strange how days always seem to slowly drift by but how time still passes so quickly? The days are stacking up like granite slabs to build the next wonder of the world.

I love how everything you see always seems more beautiful. Every moment just zen. The blades of the grass, the way the sun catches the waves rolling into shore with their long hellos and slow goodbyes, the dance of glowing emberss on the wind like little stars travelling just about your head little constellations trying to guide you home.

Yesterday was nothing short of amazing. Somedays you just live the dream. Paddle. Hike. Climb. Good company. Great Views. What more could you want?

More later.
Xo.

House of Cards.

2008-06-19T10:11:00.003-06:00

The sun is always rising. Last night I was greated like an old friend by someone who, really, should have been a stranger. An aquaintance. Things are different when you only know so many people. Things are different when you've shared a tent. Who knew four woven walls could change so much.

It's strange how one person can change a group so much or so little. The arrival of new faces always sends me soaring. The return of old faces is always oh so centering. It's strange to think that after the weekend we're heading towards winter again. The ball has only just started rolling.

Last night Walker and I cooked asparagus, mashed potatoes, vegetable stirfry, salad, and steak. You think living in a tent would present a lot of challenges, but strangely it's freeing. It comes down to you and the essentials.

I finally got a library card yesterday. $20. And I rented two books. The one book I just started is sickly disturbing memoir about an obsessive father. Check it out: House Rules by Rachel Sontag.

Yesterday I walked through a forest that has been talking to itself for longer than I or more parents or my grandparents have been alive. Roots run like secrets across the floor stretching out to say "hello, I'm here, I miss you." Phone conversations to the other side of the forest are wired in easily. It's never been as easy to send a fax from here to there. Your arms are all branches and you've never looked so green.

Out here, the burning embers of a fire are the only television you'll ever need. The lack of electricity is dazzling. Do you remember when every falling star was an omen? Now we can't even see the sky. The sun burns slowly illumanating every corner of night. In the city, the sun sets and gives birth to the artificial glow of streetlights and headlights and --- the whole world is drowning out the stars.

I'm alive and well. The glow of faces by the fire never made me feel so warm.

Slow Progression

2008-06-13T13:24:00.003-06:00

At night, cruise ships light up like fireflies spreading love across the ocean. But did you know they're tearing the lover they call out to open? 6 inches per gallon. Can you fathom that? You don't have to be deep minded to realize that's shallow progress.

We may have big pockets but the earth is on a limited budget and she's running out of cash. Soon, we're giong to have to hitch hike our way out of this place.

Hope your towel is handy.

Thanksgiving.

2008-06-13T12:37:00.004-06:00

The way the sun shines out onto forever creating a golden ocean could make you cry. In the right light, it almost looks like a serving platter. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and find an enormous feast spread out over the ocean. Eat up.

The mountains look like giant lizards that long ago found themselves in a warm sunny spot and decided to lie down and ended up being absorbed by the ground. Trees slowly weaving their way in and amongst their scales, until one day you couldn't even see their faces.

Do you know what a thousand years of snow looks like? The bluest ice you've ever seen. The way those swedish eyes will stun you, so will the cold snow that carved them.

From where I'm standing I can see a hundred years of history. Below my feet is a foundation put up in 1902. Everything decomposes into something else. Sometimes you see the world just as it is. Mostly my mind reads in metaphor. Today the sky is sleeping on the rocks letting the gentle till of the ocean wash her back. She's singing "the field's are burning, the fire's warm, come on mama, take me home."

Somedays you get so out of touch with a conversation you just sit there and mock it in your head. God or no God, live laugh love and celebrate life. Simple pleasures always taste better when your smiling and surrounded by the people you love. Last night at the campfire everyone started takling about religion but I couldn't be moved to say a thing. In the end, the things we know about are enough. In the end, the mystery is what you need. In the end, quiet faith keeps it real.

No matter how far we've come, it says a lot to say that by a campfire near the ocean settled down between some trees is still the only place I'd like to be. We dream big and live big, but in the end all it takes is a couple of happy souls and some warm embers to catch your heart on fire.

Love this life. Dig the simplicity. Breathe deep. Sometimes the only way to fly is off the deep end. Sometimes the only place to breathe is underwater. Catch a wave and choke on it. The suck in that sweet oxygen after you break the surface. From the bottom of the pool the sun always looks a million times more inviting. The light at the end of the tunnel. That next place.

Keep swimming kid. Jaws is in the water, but who gives a damn.
Living never felt this good.

More later.

2008-06-06T20:15:00.002-06:00

Sometimes you find yourself in the unexpected doing unexpected things. Crave the moment and don't let it slip away. Forest Gump said life is like a box of chocolates but I think he got it all wrong. It's more like a popsicle. You either enjoy it or it melts away in front of you. Get messy.

There's something familiar in the mountains and not living with a solid roof over your head. 24 days in the mountains and 3 more months in a tent. that 24 day was something else. You get to this place where everything comes together so that whether things work out ordoesn't matter because there you are. In it. Living it. One deep breath at a time. Simplicity at its finest.

Alaska living is refreshing. It always rains and shines and gets too hot and too cold all in the same day. There's something grounding about the weather's daily unpredictability. Sunny to rain to cloudy to hot to throw on your mittens cold to rain to sun to sun to sun to rain. Magical.

At work. On my feet. I'm not sure what tonight is bringing but Ian (a boy at the campground who's taken a vow of silence) wanted to have a pasta party. I'm down.

Sorry. I missed the blog too.
XO
-Red hoodie out.

Do the Whirlwind

2008-04-30T18:26:00.003-06:00

The clock is tearing itself from the wall again. The ins and outs of an arguing couple blaring between the shattered pieces of its gears. The way the days are painting themselves out looks like that scribbled nightmare where you had left for good this time and were saying that pasta was only good for throwing at the ceiling anyways.

From the other side of the world, the secrets your whispering are gearing up to create storms here. Stop spluttering nonsense and start screaming your lungs out. I want tornadoes to wreck my shores. Butter-fly effect your heart out. The levies have been built, the base has been fortified. Bring it.

I don't even know what I'm saying. This has nothing to do with anything except for the fac that the words that I'm writing must come from somewhere within my brain.

Bleeding rainbows in my eyes.
Time to stop writing. For once, I've confused myself...

Augur

2008-04-27T19:23:00.006-06:00

There is a whole wide world out there and I don't know where to start. Sometimes, I spell confusion with whatever's handy: Shattered plates across the kitchen floors, old card games thrown out too soon. I was thinking about that time when the world didn't seem quite so scary. Everywhere you go there's another wall being put up, another bomb being dropped. I'm tick-tick-ticking wait for it all to start.

Blah.

In my mind and so far out of it. It's like Whitman said: "Both in and out of the game and watching and wondering at it / Backward I see in my ownd days where I sweated through fod with linguits and contenders / I have no mocking or arguments, I witness and wait." (Song Of Myself)

Don't you know the feeling? The warning signs are everywhere, if you only knew how to read them. The cracks in the pavement portend to something bigger. Go grow yourself a better outcome.

I'm tired of the imperfect shot. I'm tired of playing the game half-heartedly. Go big or go home. Isn't that how the say is supposed to go? Well what if I want both.

Somedays I'm drowning. Other days, I'm swimming in sand.

Glory Box

2008-04-23T08:13:00.003-06:00

Somedays summer floats just behind your shoulder, waiting for you to turn around and kiss her. The weather has been absolutely amazing the last few days with the wind whispering his secret every chance he gets. The subtle sounds of someone singing you're almost there.

The last week and a half has been a barrage of colors flying across the horizon and emotions buzzing about my head. The other day I sat outside watching a lone red balloon ascend into the sky, unsure if I should name it beauty or destruction. Thinking both about the blue sky with the red balloon and the sea turtle that will one day choke on it.

Been caught up in too much chemistry and realized I'm not so good with handling all the pressure. When it comes down to it I was just a C+ anyways. Think about it. The ins and outs of attraction and sharing were never concepts I could master.

Spent the day eating ice cream dodging the sun in and out of shadows. Started this post eleven hours ago and got lost in the ins and outs of living. Can't remember the last time I ran around so much. Now I'm trying to get numbers to stick on my brain.

I don't know. Somedays I just think everything falls into place and others it looks like everything is about to fall apart. I don't know where the pendulum is swinging, but it always looks like its going up. These days, I don't get sad - just introspective. Sometimes I get lost in all the things I should be doing to make the world a better place, but even when I get back to living life I don't implement them.

I can't wrap my way around something that would "significantly" make a difference anywhere. I have no true passion. Politics, the environment, I care for them but they come and go. Most of the time I just sit and think wondering why things are the way they are and wondering if change is even possible or how to achieve it. I don't believe in institutions because more often than not, I feel that "we the people" have failed. Can you be optimistic about the future but pessimistic about the past? Am I even making sense?

My mind is shutting off.

I have to learn how to count backwards.

nonpolar.

2008-04-13T22:19:00.003-06:00

The things they don't teach you are that sometimes you have to create a little pain.

Love is not just the flower, its the thorn too. It's the sunshine and the rainstorm and the forty mile per hour wind. And sometimes you just don't stand up. Sometimes you have to fall down so you can rise up.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and it isn't easy. No one wants to hurt someone else. It just happens.

blah.

this life of mine is too chaotic, too confusing.

But I'm learning the downward swing comes from not being true to yourself.

Follow your heart, follow the high.

EXhale.

2008-04-05T09:46:00.004-06:00

I have loved deeply and I have hurt deeply.

I have screamed so loudly that no sound came out.

You can't hear heartbreak, but you can hear the after shock.

The sound of the cracks pulling apart. The sound of your heart dissolving so it can reform.

The death of one part of you, now, rise and be born...

Take the nails from your soul and start tearing down walls

Let the God inside of you become who you are...

Breathe in the gold.

Just breathe in the gold.

I don't know what I've been doing lately. Drifting in-between dreams I suppose. Waiting for something to start. Waiting for something to finish. Really, isn't it all just the same?

I don't know.

Too many questions without enough answers.

Running on toxic thoughts.

Need to escape the cycle.

Gum.

2008-03-25T23:11:00.004-05:00

Somedays you walk around the end to someone's joke. I don't know. I'm tired of people trying to put me in a box. (don't you know I'm claustrophobic?)

Everything you have is on your sleeve. No tricks this time.

Watched the Oregon slideshow. And watched time unravel in two different directions. Back in time and through it.

blaaaah.

I should tell stories. Instead I talk in code.

Xneve

2008-03-19T15:09:00.002-05:00

St. Patty's was pretty much a crazy blur of awesomeness. Sometimes I get going on something and the inertia keeps me moving with an idea far longer than I should probably take it.

I pretty much had an amazing time at fire and ice.

Friends and food is an unbeatable tag-team of a combination.

Anyways back to living.

More of the same.

2008-03-16T19:10:00.002-05:00

the days are melting away again. I'm forgetting they're there and before I know it they've slipped away again. The ocean is always eating the sun just to spit her back out. Every day is just a regurgitation of the last.

Dial the Operator.

2008-03-13T18:05:00.000-05:00

Everyone's got a bible they want you to believe in.
Everyone's got a song they want you to start singing.
Everyone's got a cellphone and its always fuckin ringing

This is a life of twenty thousand questions.
It's not about what you want so much as what you don't.

Hang up.
Redial.
Repeat.

I am so tired of the sound of static connecting my call to yours.
I am so tired of people trying to get me to push their product (project).

2008-03-12T23:00:00.001-05:00

I go back to being on that jetplane, looking down on the world.

Just Laugh.

2008-03-12T20:31:00.003-05:00

stop fr-fr-freakin out kid. just chill out. slow down.

Have confidence. Head up. Feet forward.

Dance on.

doesn't matter what the people in the street are saying

doesn't matter what the people in the church are praying

just sit back, relax

just chit chat, think back.

float float float.

I don't know sometimes I get so paranoid about the future I forget to live in the moment. So stop it.

Stop and smell the roses.

Sleep to Dream.

2008-03-09T21:43:00.003-05:00

I heard you fall asleep last night.

The way your dreams crept slowly in

through your ears across the phone line that now,

hung static.

That satisfied look on your face

As I walked by and saw you lying there

Phone clutched to ear, eyes closed, smile drawn out

and the pause after each breath

a quite sort of purr.

I watched you dreaming and saw how

someone else's face sustained your smile.

Wishing I could be the voice across the airwaves,

Wishing I could be the dream you slept to.